it took the night to believe [entries|friends|calendar] recidivism07 I kind of see through the cracks when I press up on the wall I'm not looking to stand up real high, I'd be happy to crawl I think I'm losing my grip, but I can still make a fist [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[Tuesday on: August 14th, 2007 around: 4:10, pm] I like to think I had a little something to do with the ending of their relationship, even though I most likely was a minimal part of the equation. I'm content with my life. I've done (mostly) all the drugs I've ever wanted to try, good friends (and better enemies), an okay job, steady income. All I need now, is that bright light in my life... where are you? read [0] | speak

eighteen [Sunday on: July 8th, 2007 around: 2:47, am] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | "Jambi (Live @ 'Roo 07)" by Tool ] I turn 18 on Tuesday. When that day comes, a new set of doors are opened to me. One has "responsibility" spray-painted on the door, and the others have various things like "jail", "cigarettes" and "playboy" on them. I'm not scared, per say, just... shaken (not stirred). One fuck-up, like being caught with the green, can land me in prison. I can't mess around with younger girls anymore (SORRY JORDAN+ERICA). I have the option of moving out when and if I get a job (I have an interview at Food Lion on my birthday -- go figure). That's exciting, I guess. right? I don't know. Black and little white gangsta dealers make me furious. read [2] | speak

Bonnaroo [Saturday on: June 16th, 2007 around: 9:08, pm] [ mood | giddy ] I saw Tool last night, and I tripped on shrooms. It was like a religious experience. When the opening chords to "Ænema" started to be churned out, I lifted my arms in the air and just tossed my body around like a fish. It was surreal. I remember when "Vicarious" was playing, during most of the song I was looking up into the sky, singing my heart out to no one in particular. It was a great night. read [0] | speak

[Saturday on: April 21st, 2007 around: 11:37, pm] i have a drug problem. read [1] | speak

[Sunday on: February 25th, 2007 around: 11:10, pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | "In This Twilight" by Nine Inch Nails ]             i                                                   am       trying            to                                 believe read [0] | speak

[Thursday on: January 11th, 2007 around: 6:34, pm] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | "Devils" by The Jonbenet ] I liked you. I thought...no, I KNEW I could be what you needed and wanted. But, as always, you make the same moves over and over. Failed "move-on" relationship --> old boyfriend. It never fails, except, you know, when it does. I'm not judging you, i'm just choosing not to care anymore. read [0] | speak

The Formative Year: 2006 [Monday on: January 1st, 2007 around: 11:59, pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | "Jesus Christ" by Brand New ] Dear 2006, You gave me some good, and some bad. I met Candi near the beginning of your life, and felt a flurry of emotions that I thought was love. I turned out it was just infatuation. But, really, what's the difference? In the middle of your lifespan, I fell out with Candi multiple times, and made up. Some friends moved away physically, while others did so mentally. New people were introduced, and are regarded as valuable. I did alot of things I never thought I would. I made love, I almost overdosed (story later), and did drugs I never thought I would. I was handed a bottle sometime in the past few months, and became quite obsessed with alcohol. For that... I thank 2006. It was, as my title says, a formative year. It's shaped who I am currently, sitting here at 12:14 in the morning on the second day of 2007, your sister. It's shaped who I will become later in life. But, more importantly, you've taught me that time has no boundaries. Yes, we don't have enough time, but I've learned you can stretch that time to fit what you need it for. Love, Casey read [1] | speak

[Wednesday on: December 6th, 2006 around: 1:04, am] [ mood | quixotic ] I haven't taken my medication for a while now. I'm becoming increasing paranoid, spastic, and incontrollable. My moods are shifting extremely. Maybe this is the way I was meant to be... the way I was created. I don't hate it. Is that wrong? I asked for a girl's number at work, and I got denied. I've been down ever since. I don't know if it's the drugs I've done lately, that situation, or my lack of medication in my system. Either way, I'm not well. I am an epidemic. read [1] | speak

[Wednesday on: November 29th, 2006 around: 7:43, pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | "Frances The Mute" by The Mars Volta ] She's almost 20, but she acts like a teenager. She cries when I don't get to see her everyday, and gets very upset when I tell her I don't like dates. She almost broke up with me because I haven't been on a date with her. What the hell am I doing? Do I want this? What do I want is the question... Well, I know what I don't want. I don't want a clingy, nickname giving girlfriend. I don't want a girlfriend with no car, who acts as if, just because I have transportation of my own, that I should use up all my "free" time (what little I have), and gas, to come and see her. If she wanted to see me so bad, wouldn't SHE make an effort? All she does is sit on MySpace and whine to me, and call me when she gets upset so I can hear her cry. She's only 10 minutes away, I think she could walk here if she missed me that badly. But, what does that say about me? I could easily walk there as well. Do I really even want to see her that bad? Is the only thing I like about her is the birthdate on her ID? I don't know... But what I do know is, all the people that seem to know me, inside and out, are quickly fading from my life. Josh, Cody, and now DJ. What is going on? Did I push them away in favor of my "new" friends, or is was it their personal choice? I gave Josh all the time in the day from 8th grade up until he dropped out and found Wal-Mart. In my opinion, he dumped me. Cody...well, I don't really know. He seemingly just stopped answering my phone calls one day. He got a job, like Josh, and lost all contact, except for that steaming pile of emo we call Angel. I don't know what is up with DJ. Honestly, I think he uses his anxiety to his advantage when he doesn't want to hang out with people. I would know, because I have the same disorder as him, except for longer and worse. I've been on Lexapro for a year and a few months, he's been on it for a month or two. I relapsed on it, he's taking it. By now, he should be better. But, I don't know. I miss all my old friends, even Candi (extremely), but I don't know if the situation in all of them is too far gone to repair. I hope with every fiber of my being that hope isn't lost, but at the same time, I welcome it. It's a chance for rebirth. But redemption and recovery are two different things, and I don't think I can do either. I'm lost in a town full of deceit and drugs. I want out. Eight months and counting. read [2] | speak

she's just a glitch [Thursday on: September 21st, 2006 around: 10:09, pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | "Alone In The Town" by Akira Yamaoka ] I can't do this at all. read [0] | speak

just the way it is [Sunday on: September 10th, 2006 around: 12:16, am] [ mood | high ] [ music | "Changes" by 2Pac ] Don't take life too seriously, you will never escape it alive anyway. read [0] | speak

i've got friends in low places. [Monday on: September 4th, 2006 around: 2:23, am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | "Nobody's Home (Live)" by Avril Lavigne ] END OF SUMMER SURVEY :( 1. DRANK ALCOHOL? Yes. I got completely shit-faced at Janelle's house in Murfreesboro at the start of the summer. Probably didn't help that I was on like 5 or 6 somas beforehand. 2. CRIED? Yeah. I had a breakdown the night I got drunk at Janelle's house. Then again, maybe it was the coke? 3. KISSED ANYONE THIS WEEK? No. 4. BEEN ON A VACATION TO A DIFFERENT STATE? No. 5. BEEN ON A VACATION TO A DIFFERENT COUNTRY? No. 6. BEEN TO THE BEACH? No. 7. BEEN TO THE BOARDWALK? There isn't even a boardwalk in this STATE. 8. DONE DRUGS? Yeah. The night at Janelle's we got 2 grams of coke, I was on somas, We all used to get stoned basically everyday at Drea & Stephen's place, my birthday I was on all kinds of pills and we smoked a blunt at Candi's. Many, many, many more times as well this summer. I rolled last weekend, too. 9. SMOKED? Smoked what? I smoke cigarettes everyday, and get stoned basically every weekend. This summer I was baked out of my mind. 10. SNUCK OUT? Nah. 11. HA A SLEEPOVER? No. 12. STAYED UP ALL NIGHT? The night we did coke I was up for basically 24 hours. 13. SLEPT IN SOMEONE ELSES BED? Haha, yeah. Again, the night we all did coke, I slept in Janelle's kid's bed. lol. 14. WENT IN A POOL? Does the lake count? 15. ...WITHOUT A BATHING SUIT? Just my boxers. 16. BEEN ON THE COMPUTER A LOT? Oh yeah. 17. PLAYED VIDEO GAMES? Just recently got my PS2 to start working again. Hells yeah. 18. LISTENED TO AN IPOD/MP3 PLAYER? When I go on my smoking walks, I take my iPod. Daft Punk & cigarettes > you. 19. BEEN ON OVER 30 CAR RIDES? Probably. 20. BEEN GROUNDED? Just grounded from using the car on weekends. I wouldn't even call it grounded, really. 21. BEEN TO A PARTY? A few. 22. REGRET SOMETHING? I regret getting back with Candi a bajillion times this summer. 23. BEEN DUMPED? Yeah. 24. LIED? Yes. 25. DONE ANYHING AGAINST THE LAW? Of course. 26. BEEN CAMPING? Yes. 27. GOT IN A FIGHT? Haha, yeah. 29. STAYED AT A HOTEL? Nope. 30. TALKED ON THE PHONE ALL NIGHT? I don't talk on phones for extended periods. 31. WENT SHOPPING? I believe. 32. BEEN HIT ON? I don't really know. 34. ASKED SOMEONE OUT? Yeah. Too much, probably. 35. GOT IN A CAR WITH A STRANGER? Yes. That's your life when you're into drugs. 36. LOST SOMEONE CLOSE? Not to an illness or anything, but we just grew apart in one person's case, and in the other, we just ended up hating each other. 37. HAD SOMEONE SLEEP IN YOUR BED? Yes. 38. BEEN TO A MOVIE? Yeah. Nacho Libre sucks. 39. BEEN TO A CLUB? Nope. [[ WHO IS/ARE... ]] THE PERSON YOU SAW THE MOST? DJ, Cody, Drea & Stephen. <33 [[ WHERE... ]] HAVE YOU BEEN THE MOST? This summer? Probably Drea's apartment. I was over there atleast 3 times a day. I miss that girl. [[ RANDOM... ]] FAVORITE ICE CREAM THIS SUMMER? I don't eat ice cream that much, believe it or not. BEST DAY? The night in Murfreesboro with Janelle, Rob, Brianne, Cody & DJ. One moment that sticks out in my mind is when they left to get the coke (I was left the housesit because I was too drunk to leave) and I was totally smashed and watching Ultimate Fighting Championship. Haha. BIGGEST REGRET SO FAR THIS SUMMER? Candi. Everything. FAVORITE SONG THIS SUMMER? "Animal I Have Become" by Three Days Grace. FAVORITE MOVIE THIS SUMMER? I haven't seen alot of movies. Probably "Silent Hill", though. IS THIS THE BEST SUMMER SO FAR? Oh god, yes. ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO SCHOOL STARTING? It started in July, man. I don't especially like it, but it's my last year, so I'm trying to deal with it and make it worthwhile and memorable. DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND? No. Not yet. ;) There's a special girl who actually likes me that I'll probably hook up with, though. read [0] | speak

put your ghost to rest [Sunday on: August 27th, 2006 around: 3:49, pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | "Hotel California" by The Eagles ] Friday night was an experience. It ranks up there as one of the best nights of my life. I hung out with Cody, DJ, Macie & Jessica basically all night, and bought a red scorpion ecstasy pill for 20$. It was well worth it. I was in Waffle House with those four, and I was just pouring out my soul to them and telling them how much I loved them. Then everything became vivid, I could see across the room into the cracks in the floor, and into the ceiling and to the outside of the place. It was just pure insanity. Eventually, around 8:30, Jessica, Macie & DJ left for Jessica's house because they were going to Buzzfest the next day. So it was just Cody & I. After some "business" we had to take care of, we went to find my quake, which had been in limbo for about an hour or two, I believe. We got to smoke a blunt with Scotty & Ben since they couldn't get it when I needed it, and then they called Crockett and I got my quake about 30 minutes later. Mind you, I was still rolling, so I was just as happy as can be. But then, seemingly everything crashed down when I suggested we go hang out with Candi and get her to roll a joint for us. So we did. She rolled it, we smoked. Took her back to her little ant infested piece of shit trailer, and someone named Greg was waiting for her. If I was on anything but ecstasy, I would have been extremely pissed for whatever reason. But I wasn't. I just sat back, and smoked a cigarette and enjoyed the passing streetlights, and the glow of the moon at 11 PM on a beautiful Friday night. Then I got my car taken away from me on the weekends the next morning (FYI: I was still rolling when I woke up) because I didn't have my share of the money for my insurance. read [0] | speak

heartache tonight [Saturday on: August 19th, 2006 around: 12:52, am] [ mood | groggy ] [ music | "The Worst In Me" by My Red Hot Nightmare ] Of all the parties that night in this town, she had to walk into mine. read [0] | speak

which to bury, us or the hatchet? [Monday on: August 14th, 2006 around: 10:45, pm] [ mood | worried ] [ music | "Lust" by Velvet Acid Christ ] I'm scared that I'm not over her. read [0] | speak

same ol' road [Sunday on: August 13th, 2006 around: 10:12, pm] [ music | "Antidote For Irony" by So They Say ] I like Avril Lavigne. read [2] | speak

trainwreck [Monday on: July 31st, 2006 around: 9:39, pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | "Get Ready" by Filibuster & Half-Pint ] I went to her house today. It's been almost two days, and she still hasn't thought about whether she wants to be with me. Now the girl that wants to be with her (I seriously hate this town) called me and wanted her number. I bet she'll keep me hanging until the weekend and tell me it's over, and then I'll find out she's with the girl. Drugs ahoy, here I come. If we break up, I'm going to that health shop near Wal-Mart, applying, and hopefully taking that job. If we don't, she can have that job. Don't fuck with me. Gah. read [0] | speak

my heartstrings come undone [Sunday on: July 30th, 2006 around: 10:04, pm] [ mood | morose ] [ music | "The Tide Began To Rise (Acoustic)" by Demon Hunter ] I need to find inner-peace. And whether or not I want to admit it, I won't find it with Candi. I love her, I really do, but I'll never find what I need to find if I'm with her, I don't think. I hurt a girl last night, physically. I wasn't choking her that hard, but I hurt her. I actually feed bad about it. For the first time, I feel bad about my actions.. Maybe it's best that it happen. Before she found out, Candi & I were together again. Like, just got back together today. Maybe I'm not meant to be with her. Maybe this is God's (or whoever's) way of telling me I won't find inner-peace while I'm with her. Maybe it's best that both of these girls don't trust me, and hate me at the moment. Maybe through that, I'll find what I need to find. I'm such a piece of shit. read [1] | speak

do your best & don't worry [Wednesday on: July 26th, 2006 around: 2:14, pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | "Scar Tissue (Live)" by The Red Hot Chili Peppers ] "For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness" I saw her this morning at school. I didn't feel a thing. No hate, love, friendship, or even "ew, look at her hair!". It's almost like she just doesn't exist to me. That's a scary thought to me. But it's also a refreshing one. I need to see how my little existance right now progresses without her. P.S. - I totally ripped off Cara-Rae's lj style. Word. read [3] | speak

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